Big Days and Pinwheels

Dear Ethan,

Guess what?  Today was a big day.  We finally went and designed your headstone.  I'm sorry it has taken us so long.  Grief played a role in that.  I was a little bit afraid to go back and open those wounds that are gradually starting to heal.  I was also a little bit sad to close the door on that part of our lives.  I think the procrastination came mostly from the latter of those two.  In a way, having something on my to-do list that was Ethan-related made me feel good... made me feel closer to you somehow.  It's weird, but I will really miss that once we are done with this process.  Anyway, I think you will like what we've picked.  We still need to edit and/or approve the proof, which we should get to see in about a week.

You have another big day coming up too!  Your 6 month birthday will be on Sunday.  All of your family members here in Colorado are planning on visiting your special place on Sunday afternoon.  We have some more pinwheels for you.  It should be a beautiful warm spring day and they will look so beautiful spinning in the wind.

Pinwheels have kind of become your "thing" over the past 6 months.  It all started when Grandma Kirk asked us to find one for you in the fall when she was here.  Well, finding a pinwheel in the fall is not an easy task.  I would look in every store I happened to be in.  I did find a teeny one in Hobby Lobby one day, so that is the first one you ever had.  I put it by your grave in October (I got an orange one for Halloween) and it's still there today.  It's faded and not spinning so well anymore, but it's still there!

I gave up on looking for pinwheels for a while after that.  Then one day in February (when we were visiting your Aunt Marie and family in Arizona) I saw pinwheels at Joann's.  I was so excited to finally see a REAL pinwheel and get one for you.  I knew the Joann's in Colorado probably had them too, but I wasn't going to take that chance.  I even carried it on the plane ride home so it wouldn't get squished.  Your dad was teasing me about being a kid with a toy on the plane, but I didn't care.  (Okay... maybe I was playing with it more than just carrying it....)  Anyway, we gave that one to you on February "30th" and it's still there too.

Your Aunt Christy, Uncle James, and cousin Miles are here visiting this week.  (Remember your cousin Miles?  I'm sure you guys have been best buddies for a long long time.  He reminds me so much of you.  You two have the same chubby little cheeks.  It would have been so fun to see you two boys grow up together.)  When they came from Ohio, they brought you a pinwheel for you too.  We will bring it to you on Sunday.

We got a package from your Aunt Marie, Uncle Manoj, and cousins Misha and Maddie.  It came today and was sitting on our front porch when we came home from the cemetery.  It was filled with pinwheels for you.  We will bring them on Sunday too.

And I know your Grandma Bateman has a big blue gingham pinwheel for you too.  Your grave will look so festive on Sunday!  Everyone who sees it will know what a special little boy you are.  And how loved you are by so many people!

I also made a spring wreath in honor of you.

Are we going a little overboard on the pinwheels lately? ....maybe....

Well Baby Boy, I can't believe we've lived without you for 6 whole months.  In the beginning I didn't know how we'd survive just one day without you.  Then a day became a week, and then a month, and here we are half-a-year later.  We think about you and miss you everyday.  You have made us better people.  You have touched so many lives.  You are so so loved!

Can't wait to see you again one day.

Love,
Mom